Low self-esteem is the root of all problems in the world. Well, so says
Oprah Winfrey anyway. She seems not to be alone -- California once invested
significant amounts of public money into trying to boost its citizens'
general self-esteem.
It is certainly true that people who have unduly negative beliefs about
themselves often become anxious about these areas of their lives and avoid
them, thus preventing themselves from getting better at them and completing
their self-fulfilling prophecy.
More self-esteem is not necessarily better, though.
- A detailed study into students from the United States, Germany,
and Japan found the US students to have the highest regard for their academic
abilities but the lowest actual level of achievement. The Japanese were
least positive about themselves but scored the highest marks.
- In Britain, overconfidence in pupils appears to be linked to underachievement.
- The Joseph Rowntree Foundation report in 2001 found that young people
with very high self esteem were found to be more likely to be racist and
engage in risky pursuits like drink-driving and that criminals tend to
have high self-esteem rather than low.
- If I were a selfish, inconsiderate bully, should I be encouraged to believe
that I am a wholly wonderful person? People are complex and healthy perception
needs to take account of this complexity.
Much more useful than generalized, global beliefs is to have a realistic
appreciation of your skills, value, and place in the world. This derives
from a combination of thinking styles, behavioural patterns, and emotional
self-management. It does not appear on command by repeating 'I am wonderful'
any more than potatoes, leeks, and carrots instantaneously leap into a
bowl as soup. If you follow af recipe and do the right things, however,
you can do it for yourself.
Recipe for Low Self-Esteem
Thinking
1. Generalise and personalise. Instead of "I messed that up" or
"I was wrong to have done that," prefer "I can never get
anything right" and "I'm a bad person." Ignore any factors
outside your control.
2. Set very high goals in everything. When you eventually fall short of
one of them, see step 1.
3. Believe the oh-so glamorous people thrust at you in adverts, films, and
glossy magazines are real.
4. Be unshakable in your beliefs. When you do something really well, ignore
it, credit it to someone else, or find a way to discount it.
5. Spend a lot of time worrying about whether or not you have self-esteem.
Behaviour
5. Stop doing things you enjoy or are good at, focus on things you are not
good at.
6. Spend time with people who make you feel bad or people who are much better
and something than you.
Emotional Self-Management
7. Anxiety and worry cause black and white global thinking so the more
the better.
Recipe for Ceasing To Worry Whether You Have 'Self-Esteem'
Thinking
1. Be specific. If you do something wrong or mess up, be critical of yourself
but about that particular occasion while remembering all the times you have
done just fine. If it is not an isolated example, think if there is some
skill you could improve and how you could do that.
2. Set realistic goals, you can always move the goalposts on a bit if you
like when they begin to get too easy.
3. Develop a set of core values or principles that you believe in. They
will give you standards by which to gauge yourself independently of other
people.
4. Be questioning -- is your opinion of yourself in any area too low or
too high ("I drive even better after a few pints!")
Behaviour
3. Do things you are good at or that give you a sense of satisfaction and
achievement, especially ones in which you 'lose yourself' and you focus
outward on the task or activity.
4. Develop a wide variety of sources of satisfaction so you will not have
all your eggs in one basket if something goes wrong in one area.
5. Take risks, who knows what you might learn?
6. Spend time with people who make you feel genuinely valued and good about
yourself.
7. Foster good relationships and practice getting better at the 'soft skills'
of empathizing with and understanding other people and being calmly assertive
when necessary.
Emotional Self-Management
8. Keep calm! Emotional arousal makes people think in a very black and white
way. Have you ever tried to reason with someone who was very angry or upset?
Be aware that if you are upset, stressed, or angry about something, your
thinking is almost certainly going to be impaired in this way so foster
a healthy distrust of any thoughts that occur at that time.
9. Actively practice managing your emotions. Meditation, gardening, going
for a run, having a bath -- whatever works!
The 'F' Word
Successful, confident people fail too. In fact, because they are more
likely to take risks, they probably fail more often than those who are
less confident. The difference lies how they react to their failures.
Psychologists use the phrase "successive approximation" to describe
the process of gradually getting closer and closer to success. Confident
people do this automatically, using setbacks to gain more information
and hone their abilities. A famous US salesman says, "I love failing
because each failure brings me one step closer to success." Less
ebullient Brits are excused "loving" failure -- tolerating it
is good enough! Paul McCartney was once asked about the early songs he
and John Lennon wrote. He said that they were absolutely awful but were
necessary because if they had not written them, they would never have
got through to the good ones.
Just Too Darned Good
English (and other languages) contain many words for people who have
an overly high opinion of themselves such as "arrogant," "smug,"
"self-satisfied" and "conceited." An occasional, specific
dash of self-criticism keeps us from complacency and hubris and can point
out areas where we need to improve.
References
Nicholas Emler 'Self-Esteem: The Costs and Causes of Low Self-Worth'
Joseph Rowntree Foundation Report 2001
www.jrf.org.uk/pressroom/releases/281101.asp
www.jrf.org.uk/knowledge/findings/socialpolicy/N71.asp
Professor Julian Elliot, 'The Risks of Cultivating Self-Esteem' in Human
Givens, Spring 2002
www.humangivens.com